Dear addicted momma, I’ve tried hard not to judge.
I defended you when others talked about you behind your back. I remained silent when there were no good words to say. I prayed for you. I loved you.
But you can’t love me back. You won’t love me back.
I hated you, sometimes I think I still do. Excuses have been made for you, maybe you were overwhelmed. Maybe if someone just helped. Maybe if you only loved yourself a little more. Maybe this time will be different yet months roll by and there is no hello, no phone call, no “I love you”. The strange thing is that the silence isn’t even the worst part. The times wondering where you are have no adverse effects compared to the times you are there. Laughter happens without you, joy is there even when you are not. The pain comes from when you show up and fail. The pain comes when you are there again for months. The pain comes when you can be trusted again because after months of you being okay and after days of fun times with you, you fail again. I’m not saying don’t try, I’m only saying to get it right.
Do you know who I am? I’m not a child. I’m not even a product of your so called life.
I am the one holding your child. He has a contagious laugh. She has wonder in her eyes.
I am the one dealing with the tantrums. I am the one wondering what you are made of. I am the one telling a sweet child that you are sick on the inside and that the booboos we can’t see are the ones that hurt the most.
I’m the one holding on tight. I’m the one enduring the fight. I’m the one wondering what is wrong and what is right.
I praise God that your child was sent into my life. I pray blessings over their life, knowing that the Lord Almighty can’t hear my prayers if there is sin in my life. So I forgive you. My heart hurts for your baby. Your baby who has seen so much evil in this world already.
I don’t say anything negative about you because I am not you and I will never be you. I can’t be you. There is too much at stake. Too much to loose.
Instead, your little one and I will play and we will build memories together. We will hold hands and skip in the rain. We will ride bikes and race. We will sing and dance and blow out candles and eat our cake.
You won’t be there. Still, we will wait.
Do you know that sometimes I thank God for you? Do you know that sometimes I cry because of you?
I try not to judge, I try to think that it could be any of us. Maybe the addiction started because you really were in pain. I try not to think of you as scum because I believe that I am nothing more than dirt.
My heart hurts so deeply for the one in my life, you know, the one that should be in your life. You can fool social media and those on it who think that the kids are in your life. We know where they lay their head at night. You show pictures from years ago and the streams flood with reasons as to why you are a good mom and reasons as to why the world hates you. The only one you should worry about hating you is the one you can’t stay clean for, the same one that I am convincing not to hold hate in their heart towards you. They are better than that. They have so much great value and worth. If only, they can heal from the hurt.
Dear addicted momma, do you hear me?
Why can’t you come clean? Why can’t you stay clean? Why is that precious child of yours not worth the fight and the battle? Why can you go cold turkey or stay sober for months and then throw them away again in a day? Why can’t you just stay?