Still too young for makeup, streams of tears streaked her face as her father drove down the road. Riding in the backseat of the vehicle, she had nothing to cry about, except for the vivid images she saw flashing through her imagination. She played scenarios of what if in her mind, horrible scripts repeated themselves over and over again as if a producer was trying to get the scene just right. Only, this wasn’t a holly wood film. This was just the creativity of a young mind with anxiety. My mind.
I’ve suffered with a creative anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’ve been called artistic and dark, some say I’m paranoid. Perhaps.
Most days I handle it well, for many years no one could even tell. Then, I became a mother and the anxiety intensified itself. No longer with horrible scenarios of my own life but now of the life that I am responsible for. Helicopter mom, that’s what some call me. That’s my natural state. Fear plaques my thought process.
It’s abnormal really. Or so I’ve been told. You see, my mind doesn’t say “he could fall”. Instead my mind says “if he falls this way he will break his leg but if he falls that way he could break his wrist.”
“God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
Letting go and letting God is more than just a motto or cute saying in my life. It’s a battle. I know that God is capable of taking care of my family. I know that He loves us and desires to see goodness brought about for His glory. Yet, I worry. I worry that we will be as Job. I worry that His glory might be manifested through trials.
Still, who am I to try and control the situation. I’m having to teach my self that God is there with me and that He desires to do good things for my family and for those that I love.
“Therefore we will not fear, though the
earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart
of the sea,
though it’s waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their
The Creator and the Divine is on our side. Do you see that? Life around us can seem so scary at times. It can seem like the waters are rising and our entire life as we know it could be gone in just a blink of an eye. Yet, do we forget who stills those waters? Do we remember who spoke the earth into it’s existence?
“There is a river whose streams make glad
the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High
My husband and I were standing in the kitchen discussion our finances and somehow came to the discussion of preppers. We don’t fault anyone who preps. We thinks it’s wise to take care of family and seek to see our own family taken care of yet it seems like there is a fine line in being prepared and being paranoid. This life here could end at any moment and yes, you can prepare for the worst. In the worse of times you will be thankful that you did. But in the best of times? Do we miss the blessings of life here on earth because we are so worried of the what could become?
“Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts up his voice, the earth melts.”
I’ve been worried for far too long. It’s exhausting too. I’m mentally tired of what could become.
Going back to the example of a child on a playground, I could worry about broken bones but aren’t there more options? That child could fall and get back up. That child could fall and be okay. That child could not fall. Or, that child could fall and be caught.
“God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.”
God said He won’t let us fall. He is there to catch us, He is there to hold us. He is our protector.
“The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress”