I started the summer off with big plans for the blog and basically for life. The plan was simple; be Wonder Woman. Perfect, right? Yeah, I’m not sure why I do that to myself but I do.
You see, this isn’t the first time I’ve done something out there. It’s not the first time that I’ve made plans I can’t keep or worse yet, that I don’t love. Some of my big plans that have failed include, writing a novel, writing a different novel, creating a Bible-based curriculum, uploading weekly YouTube videos, and sending weekly emails to the subscribers of this blog.
I had almost everything balanced out just right and the many balls that I was juggling in life weren’t falling, finally. Then it happened, another ball was thrown into the juggling act and it started to feel like everything was going to fall. Nevertheless, I can do all things. So I added another ball into the mix. One more thing wouldn’t hurt. I forgot about the fact that I can only do all things through Christ because without Christ guiding and leading it’s just me trying to do all things and that leads to me failing at everything.
That Bible verse isn’t meant to be a challenge to prove our godliness nor is it meant to imply that I could or even should take on every task in life that comes across my path. Yet, that tends to be the way that I treat it. God’s promise in that verse is for us to know that He is with us in all circumstances, that whatever comes our way He will guide us through, He will hold us up when we feel like we all falling. It isn’t meant to become a burden that leads to me falling and yet that’s what happens.
I fell down this summer and instead of getting back up I just sat there, actually I’m still sitting. I didn’t bounce back and declare that it was just a stumble or something that was meant to happen. I laid down. Like a toddler refusing to leave their favorite park. I sat there and listened to the lies that Satan whispers. I listened to the lies saying that I’m not good enough, I even believed them.
In the midst of listening to lies about how I’ll never be who it is that I’m designed to be I stopped taking care of me because after all, what’s the point? Then as I laid there the very things that I had spent so much time building began to fade away and suddenly found myself as the Teacher in Ecclesiastes declaring all that I had worked for to be as vanities, useless and meaningless. Since it was useless and fading away I began to tear it apart with my own hands like a mad animal, if it’s useless then why have it? What’s the point?
Then one night, I picked up my Bible. I read a little bit and nothing magical or life changing jumped out at me so I set it aside to check Facebook and Instagram. Images of scriptures filled my thread and conviction-filled my heart. “The only thing that I have against thee is that you have left your first love.”
I didn’t have it in me to read my Bible, it wasn’t what I wanted to do so I opened up an app and listened to it instead. Then slowly I began to study and the next morning I did the same thing. Little by little I allowed God to work within my life again. Little by little my husband and I began to have deep discussions on topics that had become off limits. Slowly walls that I had forgotten where still in my life began to fall and slowly I felt the light shining back into my life.
Things are not where they need to be and I seem to have forgotten how to juggle. I’m not sure I even want to try to juggle all of the balls again. I’ll figure it out but it’ll be a slow process and I may just take it back on little by little. I’m not sure what tomorrow holds for my life.
What I do know is that neither you nor I have to be perfect. We can just bask in the love and grace that God gives us so freely. We can do all things but only with Christ. It’s not our perfection that saved us and it won’t be our perfection to lead us into a perfect and happy carefree life.